Jump Ship

My first love, who was also my only love. 

I loved you, and I mean I loved you. I loved every part of you, even the parts that made me cringe. I loved you when you were at your best and I still loved you even at your very worst. I hate sweat, including my own, but somehow,  even when you were drenched in it, I would still hold on to you and love you some more. 

I learnt that love isn’t easy. There are hard days when no one wants to love but be loved. When we’ve ran out of affection to give. All the highs and lows taught me,  you don’t jump ship when there’s a little water on board. You try to save it. 

Love is like energy, it is neither created nor destroyed.


(//2014journal entry//)



I’m scared. I pushed you away because I’m scared. 

You’ve seen me smile and laugh. You’ve seen me just when I wake up. You’ve seen me without make up and my hair a mess. 

But you’ve never seen me cry, You’ve never seen me sad. 

You’ve never seen how my heart breaks and my soul crumbles in the middle of the night. You’ve never seen me toss and turn, fighting with insomnia to leave. 

You’ve never seen the ghosts that haunt me. You haven’t seen my scars. You haven’t heard my silence. I’m sacred to lose you because I’m broken. 

I’m scared to watch you walk away because I’m weak I’m scared to show you my colors, because you might want to repaint me. 

But you make me smile. You make me laugh, you make my heart beat better and air taste sweeter 

Moonlight and Tears

Everyone has secrets. Things they say or do that no one knows. Thoughts they keep hidden away behind barriers and high walls. 

My secret is the love affair between the moon and my tears. I now know how the tide feels, being pulled, being drawn by forces greater than your own. The moon has this hold over me. I draws me to it, pulls me out of bed, wraps it’s luminous light around me and I’m home. 

The moon knows the conversations my heart has with my mind, it knows the longing of my soul. The moon has this way with me, convincing me that sleep is for weak, so I stay awake, it’s the middle of the night and I’m counting stars, watching the spaces between them. Everyone is asleep, the world is still, that’s when the moon speaks and listens. She counts my tears, makes wishes on them and tells me shooting stars are her tears and the darker the night gets, the brighter she shines. 

Midnight Sunshine 

There are nights like these, that feel like the middle of the afternoon. I can feel the sun on my skin and the wind gently blow through my hair.  It’s 1and but it feels like it’s 12hours earlier and darkness hasn’t yet dawned on me. I can still see clouds form shapes, I see a bunny, I see a spaceship. It doesn’t feel like the middle of the night, it feels like the day has just begun. 

And I wanna dance. I wanna take my shoes and have only my socks on, I want to see the dust rise and settle around me. I want the birds to chirp and the trees to sway. Oh, how I want to feel the sun kiss my skin and warm my bones. 

It’s 1 am and the world is still, almost unreal. I can hear the stars burn fiercely, and the moon glow selflessly.

As the sun shines in the middle of the night, I am lost. One thing I’ve always known is I have myself. But on this particular night, in this particular moment, I stared silently at the moon and the stars. I stood and felt the cold freeze my skin. I couldn’t even talk to myself. I couldn’t tell myself how sad I felt, how suffocated I felt, how unlike me I felt. So how, pry tell, would I tell anyone else if I can’t tell myself? How will they understand if I myself I’m baffled? If I can’t even bring myself to talk tonmueelf, how will I talk to another human being?

On this particular night, I cease to be. I cease to be human. On this night, I couldn’t even trust myself. So I felt my heart break and couldn’t do thing, I could hear the sharp cry trying to escape and I couldn’t comfort myself. This night is different. This night has a sun shining, that no one but me seems to see
-Random Rumbling

In The End 

​I love myself enough,

not just for the both us,  

But for the past love I was deprived of,

for the past love no one wanted to give me,

for future love that might leave. 

I have learnt to love myself enough 

for all the times no one could love me, 

for all the moments when I realised all I had was myself. 

I’ve learnt to love myself enough to over look my imperfections, 

the things I cannot change, 

I have learnt to love myself during the cold nights when all I can do is cry, 

for the dark days when my body hurts if I move. 

I love myself enough to survive,

 to know what type of love I deserve, 

to know how I should be loved.

I love myself enough to forgive myself, 

to look at myself everyday and love myself even more. 

I love myself enough. 

Because in the end, only I can let myself down, 

and only I can pick myself back up. 

In the end, I love myself enough 


She’s For The Readers. 

Here’s the truth, the untainted, unaltered truth about her. She will never show you her scars from where the world hurt her, she won’t tell you about how angry she is. Life taught her, a long time ago,  to swallow her feelings like a bitter pill. 

She’s learnt to blend in with the living, even when she’s dying on the inside. You won’t see the tears in her when she is about to break down, because she’ll laugh, and you’ll think they are tears of joy, but she doesn’t have those. There has always been a sting of pain behind each tear. You’ll have to read her to know, did she touch her ear when she said ” I’m fine”? It means she’s not. Did she cough and rub her eyes then say ” I’m just tired”? She’s not tired, she’s sad and you should probably hug her. 

It’s not because she’s stubborn. She’s been burnt one to many times,  she’s lost her sense of wonder and trust along the way. 

She won’t show you her tears. Instead, she’ll flash you her brightest smile, her tears will twinkle so bright, you won’t even notice them. 

M.S, Have Me, Or Leave Me

I need time away. 
This time,  not from the world 

But from you. 

Just you. 

I need to breath air, that doesn’t taste

Like you. 

I need see trees that remind me of


I need to listen to music

And not hear your voice. 

I need to open my phone

And be happy any other name

But yours. 

If you won’t have me

Then free me. 

Let me know that I can spread my wings 

That I can roam. 

I can’t flap my wings

I might hurt you. 

You might get cold. 


One Night Stands & Drugs

I like you. You creep into my thoughts like an effortless in take of air. You flow through my veins like you are giving me life. Your name runs through my head like a catchy song,that I find myself singing out loud.

A sea of whiskey couldn’t intoxicate me as much as a drop you does. I know, because I’ve tried. I have swam in rivers of vodka to rid my skin of your name but it is etched in my bones. 

I need fire to scorch you from my heart, but I’m ice, and that would end me. I have drowned in endless rhythms that make me wonder what your heart beat would sound like under my palm, or with my ear placed above it.

I have danced with strangers looking for you in them. Hoping one of then would laugh like you, would say my name the way you do. Hoping they would hold my waist like you once did. I have searched for you in one night stands, hoping I’d wake up and not remember your name. That maybe someone would kiss me and draw your name from my lips and toss it to the wind. That my skin wouldn’t crave your touch,  that my mind would long for yours. 

Cocaine is nothing compared to what you do to me. It doesn’t even come close. There is no high better than the one I get from you,becasue when I sniff you,  you smell like Midnight and Stardust. You strum the strings of heart without even knowing it. You draw me in like I’m air, and I’m ceaselessly pulled in. 


Midnight and Stardust 

I don’t know how to not love you. 

You have been my definition of love, you were everything I needed love to be. Our love was always meant to be, from the very beginning. It wasn’t love at first sight, but that our love was inevitable -KoiNoYokan-

I met you and my life up until that moment faded away. My scars healed, my wounds didn’t ache anymore. Everything I had ever been through prepared me for this moment. When I would look into your eyes and realize their shade of brown is all I ever wanted. In that moment, i saw the galaxy unfold before me. I saw beauty in humanity. You, were not only my first love, but my redemption. For in your love I found love. 

I found a home in your smile, the way you said my name, like a whisper to the stars as it kissed your lips. You saw my imperfections and still chose me, no one else ever did. I was broken and mangled, but you showed me that broken crayons still color. You saw my tears and stretch marks and still told me I’m beautiful. I showed you my monsters and demons and you kissed me like my lips were air and you couldn’t breathe. 

You looked at me with love when I refused to believe you loved me. You stayed when I pushed you away. You fought for me on days when I had given up. On days when we fought you’d never let me walk away mad, even when I hurt you,you told me I’m the only one that could heal you.

You loved me like each moment was our last. Each day you looked at me like I was a walking melody. 

Yes there where times you made my heart bleed, I made yours ache. But we always found a way. When storms came we anchored to each other. We danced in the rain and let the stars watch us fall in love everyday.

Our first kiss, you held me so close I couldn’t tell where I ended and you began. That was the first time I ever kissed someone and tasted the moon-Until I kissed him and he smelt of midnight and stardust-but somehow you’re still in the way. I don’t know how to not love you. I have loved you for half a decade, I had given you my all.

 I will have to break my heart to let you out. I will have to rip apart everything I know, tear down my walls. I have always been afraid to stop loving you because I don’t know if anyone else ever will. If I’ll ever be enough, if I won’t be “too”much. So I cover up my skin, I hide my tears, because what happens if I show him my colors and they aren’t his shade. Or if my skin isn’t thick enough cause I bleed to easily. I don’t know how to not love you, because I don’t know if I’ll be loved again. 


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