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You

I’m scared. I pushed you away because I’m scared. 

You’ve seen me smile and laugh. You’ve seen me just when I wake up. You’ve seen me without make up and my hair a mess. 

But you’ve never seen me cry, You’ve never seen me sad. 

You’ve never seen how my heart breaks and my soul crumbles in the middle of the night. You’ve never seen me toss and turn, fighting with insomnia to leave. 

You’ve never seen the ghosts that haunt me. You haven’t seen my scars. You haven’t heard my silence. I’m sacred to lose you because I’m broken. 

I’m scared to watch you walk away because I’m weak I’m scared to show you my colors, because you might want to repaint me. 

But you make me smile. You make me laugh, you make my heart beat better and air taste sweeter 

Midnight Sunshine 

There are nights like these, that feel like the middle of the afternoon. I can feel the sun on my skin and the wind gently blow through my hair.  It’s 1and but it feels like it’s 12hours earlier and darkness hasn’t yet dawned on me. I can still see clouds form shapes, I see a bunny, I see a spaceship. It doesn’t feel like the middle of the night, it feels like the day has just begun. 

And I wanna dance. I wanna take my shoes and have only my socks on, I want to see the dust rise and settle around me. I want the birds to chirp and the trees to sway. Oh, how I want to feel the sun kiss my skin and warm my bones. 

It’s 1 am and the world is still, almost unreal. I can hear the stars burn fiercely, and the moon glow selflessly.

As the sun shines in the middle of the night, I am lost. One thing I’ve always known is I have myself. But on this particular night, in this particular moment, I stared silently at the moon and the stars. I stood and felt the cold freeze my skin. I couldn’t even talk to myself. I couldn’t tell myself how sad I felt, how suffocated I felt, how unlike me I felt. So how, pry tell, would I tell anyone else if I can’t tell myself? How will they understand if I myself I’m baffled? If I can’t even bring myself to talk tonmueelf, how will I talk to another human being?

On this particular night, I cease to be. I cease to be human. On this night, I couldn’t even trust myself. So I felt my heart break and couldn’t do thing, I could hear the sharp cry trying to escape and I couldn’t comfort myself. This night is different. This night has a sun shining, that no one but me seems to see
-Random Rumbling

She’s For The Readers. 

Here’s the truth, the untainted, unaltered truth about her. She will never show you her scars from where the world hurt her, she won’t tell you about how angry she is. Life taught her, a long time ago,  to swallow her feelings like a bitter pill. 

She’s learnt to blend in with the living, even when she’s dying on the inside. You won’t see the tears in her when she is about to break down, because she’ll laugh, and you’ll think they are tears of joy, but she doesn’t have those. There has always been a sting of pain behind each tear. You’ll have to read her to know, did she touch her ear when she said ” I’m fine”? It means she’s not. Did she cough and rub her eyes then say ” I’m just tired”? She’s not tired, she’s sad and you should probably hug her. 

It’s not because she’s stubborn. She’s been burnt one to many times,  she’s lost her sense of wonder and trust along the way. 

She won’t show you her tears. Instead, she’ll flash you her brightest smile, her tears will twinkle so bright, you won’t even notice them. 

M.S, Have Me, Or Leave Me

I need time away. 
This time,  not from the world 

But from you. 

Just you. 

I need to breath air, that doesn’t taste

Like you. 

I need see trees that remind me of

You. 

I need to listen to music

And not hear your voice. 

I need to open my phone

And be happy any other name

But yours. 

If you won’t have me

Then free me. 

Let me know that I can spread my wings 

That I can roam. 

I can’t flap my wings

I might hurt you. 

You might get cold. 

-TheeLadyInk

Midnight and Stardust 

I don’t know how to not love you. 

You have been my definition of love, you were everything I needed love to be. Our love was always meant to be, from the very beginning. It wasn’t love at first sight, but that our love was inevitable -KoiNoYokan-

I met you and my life up until that moment faded away. My scars healed, my wounds didn’t ache anymore. Everything I had ever been through prepared me for this moment. When I would look into your eyes and realize their shade of brown is all I ever wanted. In that moment, i saw the galaxy unfold before me. I saw beauty in humanity. You, were not only my first love, but my redemption. For in your love I found love. 

I found a home in your smile, the way you said my name, like a whisper to the stars as it kissed your lips. You saw my imperfections and still chose me, no one else ever did. I was broken and mangled, but you showed me that broken crayons still color. You saw my tears and stretch marks and still told me I’m beautiful. I showed you my monsters and demons and you kissed me like my lips were air and you couldn’t breathe. 

You looked at me with love when I refused to believe you loved me. You stayed when I pushed you away. You fought for me on days when I had given up. On days when we fought you’d never let me walk away mad, even when I hurt you,you told me I’m the only one that could heal you.

You loved me like each moment was our last. Each day you looked at me like I was a walking melody. 

Yes there where times you made my heart bleed, I made yours ache. But we always found a way. When storms came we anchored to each other. We danced in the rain and let the stars watch us fall in love everyday.

Our first kiss, you held me so close I couldn’t tell where I ended and you began. That was the first time I ever kissed someone and tasted the moon-Until I kissed him and he smelt of midnight and stardust-but somehow you’re still in the way. I don’t know how to not love you. I have loved you for half a decade, I had given you my all.

 I will have to break my heart to let you out. I will have to rip apart everything I know, tear down my walls. I have always been afraid to stop loving you because I don’t know if anyone else ever will. If I’ll ever be enough, if I won’t be “too”much. So I cover up my skin, I hide my tears, because what happens if I show him my colors and they aren’t his shade. Or if my skin isn’t thick enough cause I bleed to easily. I don’t know how to not love you, because I don’t know if I’ll be loved again. 

-TheeLadyInk

Scared Soul

PicsJoin_2017411144147428The thing with scars that can’t be seen is, they are harder to heal. You can’t out a band aid over the cracks, you can’t place a cast over the broken part of your soul. When your mind hurts there’s no pain killers for it, asprin doesn’t reach that far in. You can’t pour rubbing alcohol when your heart stings.

Wounds that can’t be seen are harder to talk about. You can’t point at it like marks in your wrist and say “it hurts here”, when your inner self is mangled and bruised there is no cast for sympathisers to sign and tell you “get well soon”.

How can any Dr prescribe meds for an ailment that you can’t even explain?. the CT scan won’t show how bruised and bent your heart is. There is no MRI on the planet that will show how defeated your mind is, it won’t show the emotional tumors that are eating it away.

I don’t know how people heal. I don’t know how a torn soul can repair itself when it doesn’t have cells.

But, what I do know is. Just because you are bruised and bent, doesn’t mean you are broken. There is hope somewhere, like that one star that still shines through the clouds on a rainy night.

-TheeLadyInk

In Love At 16


*Deep Breath*

I can feel it on the tips of my fingers. I can feel it run through the strands of my hair. I can feel it fill my lungs and choke the air out of me. I can feel it almost kill me. But even when my heartbeat was 95 beats per minutes and my breath was in abrupt short gasps, I couldn’t leave. I stayed, feeling it wash over me. Feeling it take away my soul.  

It almost killed me but I couldn’t leave. I almost died, my life flashed before my eyes, I saw the people I love, I saw the ones I loved and lost, every wound became fresh and I felt a saltiness sting them. Suddenly I was covered in the scars I’d spend hours in the mirror covering.I was vulnerable, I was naked.

I was tossed to and fro like paper in the wind. The ocean almost killed, I was hit by waves that knocked my heart out of my ribs. It’s saltiness filled my mouth, my nose, my lungs. The cold winds catching me by the throat.

It reminded me of the only time I was actually in love. I was knocked off my feet, my heart broken, my body bruised and bent. But my soul, my soul came alive and that’s why I never left. My soul was ablaze and I had to let it burn, let it burn through the scars and let them turn to ash. Being in love almost killed me, but I would give anything to have my soul up in flames again.

Its Been You

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It 1 in the morning and I’m still wide awake wishing for sleep to come in like a lover after a long day, slowly and tenderly, touching the parts of me that need it the most, reaching deep within me and drawing out my breath, kissing away all the stains of the day, caressing even the stiffest muscles making me melt, making me pour myself into it. I’m waiting for sleep to come like a lover after a fight, whisk me away and erase any memory of past pains. I want it to come softly and sweetly, like a summer breeze, making the heat of the day fade away.

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But here I am, tossing and turning like meat on grill trying not to burn. I’m here waiting for you to text me back, waiting for you to ask me “you still awake?” so we can talk about how beautiful the night is, and I can point out how I’d rather stare at you than the sky. How your smile makes me kiss the bottom of the ocean and rise with the tide, I could tell you how your laugh pulls me like the moon pulls the tide and the tide pulls the shore. It’s now 2am and you’re telling me about your day, how long it was, how busy it has been, how tired but restless you are, and all I want is to hold you and make you mine. How I want to watch you sleep and hear your heart beat through my palm. I lay awake, hoping sleep hasn’t become the distance between us, I stare at my phone, holding my breath, waiting to see your name pop up on my screen.

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I was told 3am is for poets, writers, musicians, over thinkers, painters and lovers. That the only people still texting at this time are either heart broken or in love. Well, I’m a poet, a writer, an over thinker, a musician, I’m also in love, but also heart broken. I can’t fall asleep because my mind is writing, my heart is both skipping beats and shattering. Music is closer than the air I can’t even feel myself breathe. My body is bent and out of shape with thoughts of you.

Even though I love you, I can’t love you. Not because I’m not ready but I don’t know how, my heart has been ripped out of my chest, I could taste the blood in my mouth. I have loved far greater than any sin, and my wages have been paid in full because I have died a thousand times and not risen once, I haven’t lived since my first breath. So I will love by not loving. I am poison and everything I touch withers away and dies, I am a plague. I could almost smell the death on you from when you held me. I could taste the dust and ash on your lips. I have aged a decade loving you.

Its 3:14am and you’re still on my mind. Thoughts of you cling to me like cobwebs, sticky and unseen. I have tried to rid myself of you but when I see you, the sky breaks beneath my feet and literally the whole world ceases to exist.

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Then I remember how I watched you fall in love with another, before my very eyes and I couldn’t fight for you. I have swallowed my feelings like a bitter pill. Because I can’t make you love me when you don’t. I have given up this fight.

Getting Out Of My Rut 

So, I’ve been in a bit of a rut lately. I became so bored with life and pretty much everything around me. This was mostly because I’ve had so many projects so far this year and I’ve been writing more than I ever had so, it had put me in a rut.  

As a way of trying to get out of my rut I decided to try out a couple of things, to rediscover my passion or something like that, I tried to take up an instrument but that was to much work so I decided to take up photography. 

The camera is courtesy of #AgrippaCreations Photography.

I’ve had it for about half a week now and im feeling so much better and more lively. 

And here’s some of my work so far. 

This is one of my favorite and the sun was perfect. 

Meet Bella.

Beautiful ripples on a rainy day. The camera on my phone could never take pictures of ripples. So glad I finally have them 

One of my favourite introverts 😍

And this is Bellas’ Owner

And finally meet Louise my huge coffee mug 😍😍😍😍

This has been Ink Photography 📷

#inkphotography #theeladyink #athousandyears 

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