It’s not always beautiful when I break.
I don’t poetically sit in the meadows shattering at the wrists. Its not a heroic battle for my sanity.
It’s not willing staying in bed all week. It’s not binge watching movies all night because I want to. It’s never beautiful when I break.
When my heart crumbles at my feet, when my spine to weak and numb to bend over.
It’s never beautiful when I can’t get out of my bed because it feels like a building collapsed on top of me. Because my feet believe they will shatter when they hit the ground. It’s never beautiful when I break because it’s accomplishment when I remember to drink a glass of water.
How can it be beautiful, when Its 3pm and telling my self to stop crying, telling my self it’s going to be okay. Trying to hold the few pieces I have left together.
It’s not beautiful when my body aches, but cant move because it knows its not capable anymore, how is it beauty when I can literally feel my heart hurting. When I can’t even breathe.
Because some times I can’t even write for weeks or months because the only words I have to offer the world are trapped and drowning.
But I swear I’m trying. Trying to wake up, trying to breathe, trying to just live.
I swear I’m trying to be a person. Who smiles more and goes about the day happy. I’m trying to wake my soul up.
Trying not to cry as much anymore. I’m trying not to be broken anymore. I’m trying to be stronger, to thicken my skin so I don’t bleed as much.
I can’t even share a bed with anyone, because sometimes I find myself crying at 2am and I can’t explain why, so I keep everyone away, I turn my phone off for weeks. I hide from the world because I cant let them see me like this, broken mangled, torn apart, trying to Peel my skin off trying to take my heart out of my chest because I don’t want it anymore. I don’t even think I want this life anymore, because I’m tired..
But my greatest fear, is not being able to come to the phone anymore because even though yes you do have the right number, I’m just not the person you’re trying to reach, not anymore because I’ve wandered so far off, I can’t find my way back.