And this, is how I heal. I tear myself apart, piece by piece. I peel my skin and shed my flesh. For a moment, I am not me, I become a blend of tears and blood. I cry still my eyes start to burn, till my heart is exhausted and beats so slow, it almost stops.
And in that brief flatline moment I feel nothing. I get the rare chance to feel nothing. Every heart break seems distant. All my wounds stop to ache and I am free. In that moment I see the chains at my feet. The shekels fall loose. And happiness unveils herself to me. And its in these moments that when you ask how I am, say “I’m fine” and it feels real. My sole survival is based on these moments
But then as briefly as it came, it leaves, and I am still chained and bound. My heart still aching, my mind trying to escape. And everything shatters. My world ceases to exist, and If you’re there, I can’t see you through the tears in my eyes, I can’t hear you over the sound of my heart breaking. I can’t feel your touch over the doubt that covers my skin.
Its nights like these, when I’m laying on the floor. Wondering, would the world miss me? If I wore my shoes, grabbed my coat and walked away. If I cut my hair, changed my name, if I gave up on being me. If left this life and created another. If I put my memories in box marked “do not recycle” would I then I find peace? If I left without nothing but the clothes on my back because everything I own reminds me of the life I’m trying to leave behind. If I bought a one way ticket to the desert, or some far off place where no one knows me.
The remnants of my heart can’t be pieced together, so I’ll gather what’s left, take it to place, where even though it’s not whole, it will feel complete