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June 2017

Jump Ship

My first love, who was also my only love. 

I loved you, and I mean I loved you. I loved every part of you, even the parts that made me cringe. I loved you when you were at your best and I still loved you even at your very worst. I hate sweat, including my own, but somehow,  even when you were drenched in it, I would still hold on to you and love you some more. 

I learnt that love isn’t easy. There are hard days when no one wants to love but be loved. When we’ve ran out of affection to give. All the highs and lows taught me,  you don’t jump ship when there’s a little water on board. You try to save it. 

Love is like energy, it is neither created nor destroyed.

-TheeLadyInk//

(//2014journal entry//)

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You

I’m scared. I pushed you away because I’m scared. 

You’ve seen me smile and laugh. You’ve seen me just when I wake up. You’ve seen me without make up and my hair a mess. 

But you’ve never seen me cry, You’ve never seen me sad. 

You’ve never seen how my heart breaks and my soul crumbles in the middle of the night. You’ve never seen me toss and turn, fighting with insomnia to leave. 

You’ve never seen the ghosts that haunt me. You haven’t seen my scars. You haven’t heard my silence. I’m sacred to lose you because I’m broken. 

I’m scared to watch you walk away because I’m weak I’m scared to show you my colors, because you might want to repaint me. 

But you make me smile. You make me laugh, you make my heart beat better and air taste sweeter 

Moonlight and Tears

Everyone has secrets. Things they say or do that no one knows. Thoughts they keep hidden away behind barriers and high walls. 

My secret is the love affair between the moon and my tears. I now know how the tide feels, being pulled, being drawn by forces greater than your own. The moon has this hold over me. I draws me to it, pulls me out of bed, wraps it’s luminous light around me and I’m home. 

The moon knows the conversations my heart has with my mind, it knows the longing of my soul. The moon has this way with me, convincing me that sleep is for weak, so I stay awake, it’s the middle of the night and I’m counting stars, watching the spaces between them. Everyone is asleep, the world is still, that’s when the moon speaks and listens. She counts my tears, makes wishes on them and tells me shooting stars are her tears and the darker the night gets, the brighter she shines. 

Midnight Sunshine 

There are nights like these, that feel like the middle of the afternoon. I can feel the sun on my skin and the wind gently blow through my hair.  It’s 1and but it feels like it’s 12hours earlier and darkness hasn’t yet dawned on me. I can still see clouds form shapes, I see a bunny, I see a spaceship. It doesn’t feel like the middle of the night, it feels like the day has just begun. 

And I wanna dance. I wanna take my shoes and have only my socks on, I want to see the dust rise and settle around me. I want the birds to chirp and the trees to sway. Oh, how I want to feel the sun kiss my skin and warm my bones. 

It’s 1 am and the world is still, almost unreal. I can hear the stars burn fiercely, and the moon glow selflessly.

As the sun shines in the middle of the night, I am lost. One thing I’ve always known is I have myself. But on this particular night, in this particular moment, I stared silently at the moon and the stars. I stood and felt the cold freeze my skin. I couldn’t even talk to myself. I couldn’t tell myself how sad I felt, how suffocated I felt, how unlike me I felt. So how, pry tell, would I tell anyone else if I can’t tell myself? How will they understand if I myself I’m baffled? If I can’t even bring myself to talk tonmueelf, how will I talk to another human being?

On this particular night, I cease to be. I cease to be human. On this night, I couldn’t even trust myself. So I felt my heart break and couldn’t do thing, I could hear the sharp cry trying to escape and I couldn’t comfort myself. This night is different. This night has a sun shining, that no one but me seems to see
-Random Rumbling

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