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March 2017

Its Been You

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It 1 in the morning and I’m still wide awake wishing for sleep to come in like a lover after a long day, slowly and tenderly, touching the parts of me that need it the most, reaching deep within me and drawing out my breath, kissing away all the stains of the day, caressing even the stiffest muscles making me melt, making me pour myself into it. I’m waiting for sleep to come like a lover after a fight, whisk me away and erase any memory of past pains. I want it to come softly and sweetly, like a summer breeze, making the heat of the day fade away.

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But here I am, tossing and turning like meat on grill trying not to burn. I’m here waiting for you to text me back, waiting for you to ask me “you still awake?” so we can talk about how beautiful the night is, and I can point out how I’d rather stare at you than the sky. How your smile makes me kiss the bottom of the ocean and rise with the tide, I could tell you how your laugh pulls me like the moon pulls the tide and the tide pulls the shore. It’s now 2am and you’re telling me about your day, how long it was, how busy it has been, how tired but restless you are, and all I want is to hold you and make you mine. How I want to watch you sleep and hear your heart beat through my palm. I lay awake, hoping sleep hasn’t become the distance between us, I stare at my phone, holding my breath, waiting to see your name pop up on my screen.

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I was told 3am is for poets, writers, musicians, over thinkers, painters and lovers. That the only people still texting at this time are either heart broken or in love. Well, I’m a poet, a writer, an over thinker, a musician, I’m also in love, but also heart broken. I can’t fall asleep because my mind is writing, my heart is both skipping beats and shattering. Music is closer than the air I can’t even feel myself breathe. My body is bent and out of shape with thoughts of you.

Even though I love you, I can’t love you. Not because I’m not ready but I don’t know how, my heart has been ripped out of my chest, I could taste the blood in my mouth. I have loved far greater than any sin, and my wages have been paid in full because I have died a thousand times and not risen once, I haven’t lived since my first breath. So I will love by not loving. I am poison and everything I touch withers away and dies, I am a plague. I could almost smell the death on you from when you held me. I could taste the dust and ash on your lips. I have aged a decade loving you.

Its 3:14am and you’re still on my mind. Thoughts of you cling to me like cobwebs, sticky and unseen. I have tried to rid myself of you but when I see you, the sky breaks beneath my feet and literally the whole world ceases to exist.

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Then I remember how I watched you fall in love with another, before my very eyes and I couldn’t fight for you. I have swallowed my feelings like a bitter pill. Because I can’t make you love me when you don’t. I have given up this fight.

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