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All i wanted was his love/his gentle smile to grace my face/his kisses to fill my memory/his hands to intertwine with mine/that’s all I ever really wanted/because maybe he’ll be the one to heal the wounds from my broken parachute/to tell me he sees beauty in my eyes/I always thought it be him/and that’s all I wanted/but somehow I didn’t seem enough/who I was wasn’t sufficient for him/I was a whisper in the wind/ a humm in the crowd/my pursuit for him made him my yellow paint/yellow paint?!/ well you see,Vincent Van Gogh used to eat yellow paint/because he thought it would get the happiness from inside of him/and everyone thought him to be mad and stupid for doing so/because the paint the toxic and never mind that painting the inside of your organs yellow has no direct correlation with ones happiness/but I don’t see it that way/if you can be so truly unhappy that even the maddest or deadliest things could possibly work,then by God your going to do it/its no different from falling in love or taking drugs/you have the risk of getting your heart broken or over dosing/but people still do it everyday/so everyone has their yellow paint/and his mine/even though he breaks me inwardly and I can feel it/I pursue him still/its not that I lack will/but I believe someday he will make me happy/yes it is insane/but sometimes that is only time life makes sense/when we lose touch with all else and plunge into the deep//I can’t help but stare when I see him/listen attentively when he speaks/put my world on pause when his art is at work/he is the beauty that makes my heart beat/and break/ his gentle steps cause my whole world to shake/I lost myself trying to find him and be found by him/so I ran/ I ran so far and for so long/that my favourite sweat pants fell off/my most treasured jeans were now a memory/and my closet a museum of the past/I ran till got into that dress that would catch his eye/I took the scarlet from my veins to my lips/maybe he would then crave me/I changed my hair/so he could Invision running his hand through it/but still I was but a grain of sand on the beach/so I changed myself/not just my hair or clothes/but me/I stopped clutching books to my heart and placed a phone instead/tuned out the classical music I so loved and played whatever he liked/I put to sleep the conversations in my mind/to have actual ones with him/I pushed down my pain/glued my brokenness/plastered on a smile/so maybe I could be prettier and then be his baby/I broke myself trying to build an “us” he is the poison in the apple/the forbidden fruit/i might not be bell but his the beast i cant help but love/and unless he kills me/he only makes me stronger/more determined/when he texts my heart leaps/when he calls my name my spin becomes an escalator/and thing is i don’t even try to hold myself back/I’m strong enough to fight but choose not to/because the hardest prisons to break out of,are those without locks/when i see him even my lungs flatter/and even when i see him happy in the arms of another/I’m happy too,to just see him smile and laugh/you are the shekels on my heart/and if this is love/it feels like death/uncertain// I lay awake remembering/remembering everything/our first walk under the stars after he stole my breath/and he oblivious/but my mind aware/the feeling now obvious/but the sad part is I’m in love alone/I alone know how he took my breath and stole my heart then broke/but if I could I’d give it to him again/but that’s not the saddest part/the saddest part is I’m killing myself for him and he still doesn’t know//

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