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May 2015

In Love Alone (part one)

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All i wanted was his love/his gentle smile to grace my face/his kisses to fill my memory/his hands to intertwine with mine/that’s all I ever really wanted/because maybe he’ll be the one to heal the wounds from my broken parachute/to tell me he sees beauty in my eyes/I always thought it be him/and that’s all I wanted/but somehow I didn’t seem enough/who I was wasn’t sufficient for him/I was a whisper in the wind/ a humm in the crowd/my pursuit for him made him my yellow paint/yellow paint?!/ well you see,Vincent Van Gogh used to eat yellow paint/because he thought it would get the happiness from inside of him/and everyone thought him to be mad and stupid for doing so/because the paint the toxic and never mind that painting the inside of your organs yellow has no direct correlation with ones happiness/but I don’t see it that way/if you can be so truly unhappy that even the maddest or deadliest things could possibly work,then by God your going to do it/its no different from falling in love or taking drugs/you have the risk of getting your heart broken or over dosing/but people still do it everyday/so everyone has their yellow paint/and his mine/even though he breaks me inwardly and I can feel it/I pursue him still/its not that I lack will/but I believe someday he will make me happy/yes it is insane/but sometimes that is only time life makes sense/when we lose touch with all else and plunge into the deep//I can’t help but stare when I see him/listen attentively when he speaks/put my world on pause when his art is at work/he is the beauty that makes my heart beat/and break/ his gentle steps cause my whole world to shake/I lost myself trying to find him and be found by him/so I ran/ I ran so far and for so long/that my favourite sweat pants fell off/my most treasured jeans were now a memory/and my closet a museum of the past/I ran till got into that dress that would catch his eye/I took the scarlet from my veins to my lips/maybe he would then crave me/I changed my hair/so he could Invision running his hand through it/but still I was but a grain of sand on the beach/so I changed myself/not just my hair or clothes/but me/I stopped clutching books to my heart and placed a phone instead/tuned out the classical music I so loved and played whatever he liked/I put to sleep the conversations in my mind/to have actual ones with him/I pushed down my pain/glued my brokenness/plastered on a smile/so maybe I could be prettier and then be his baby/I broke myself trying to build an “us” he is the poison in the apple/the forbidden fruit/i might not be bell but his the beast i cant help but love/and unless he kills me/he only makes me stronger/more determined/when he texts my heart leaps/when he calls my name my spin becomes an escalator/and thing is i don’t even try to hold myself back/I’m strong enough to fight but choose not to/because the hardest prisons to break out of,are those without locks/when i see him even my lungs flatter/and even when i see him happy in the arms of another/I’m happy too,to just see him smile and laugh/you are the shekels on my heart/and if this is love/it feels like death/uncertain// I lay awake remembering/remembering everything/our first walk under the stars after he stole my breath/and he oblivious/but my mind aware/the feeling now obvious/but the sad part is I’m in love alone/I alone know how he took my breath and stole my heart then broke/but if I could I’d give it to him again/but that’s not the saddest part/the saddest part is I’m killing myself for him and he still doesn’t know//

I cant promise

I cant promise you all of me/but still,what would i do without your smart mouth/the way you move/the way you breath/the way you are/its you /you were my shooting star on a hopeless night /you were my glimmer when my life lacked light/you didn’t sweep me off my feet like a knight /but you still saved me from my own fear/you may not have the might of a thousand men but your still a sight for a sore heart/and now i never see us apart/you are my art on the canvas of the sky/you didn’t just get me to take the leap of faith but you made me fly/you’ve seen me cry/why would you make the sun shine over a withered rose/was it my pose,or something of greater cause/ was i snow white and you my seven dwarfs/you became the river that does the running for me/could this be/you have shown me beauty /that beauty knows no bounds/knows no beginning nor end/beauty cares not of storm or sunshine /beauty is simply beauty/without law without refrain/survives through loss or gain/you have opened my eyes to beauty/to see the greater good even at a massacre /you healed my mass scar/beauty embraces love and forms a fetus that is endless n ceaseless/love sees scars as windows/hears whispers n sorrow/could i borrow i page from your book/maybe then i could change my outlook/because you took all my broken pieces and made them your own/my heads under water but I’m breathing just fine/i want you to be mine/but mine isn’t what i need/i need you to be you /you who wiped my tears/made me forget my fears/you who makes me feel a winner though i loose/you are sufficient /beyond efficient /my coefficient /you saw the light behind my eyes/the love piercing the dark of my heart/you are my redemption /that ray of sunlight in the middle of the storm/you are the joy that gives me reason to wake up/the laugh behind my own/we are intertwined to the same vine/we are a vibration of the same sound/ from one peak to the next,we form one wavelength/your my favorite stranger /and so long as you don’t steal me,i will be yours too/

To My Love

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Forgive yourself darling, we all have acted out of fear and love. We all have chapters we wish we could tear out of our lives. You do not have to feel ashamed at not being perfect, at having made a mistake. Because you didn’t know what to do,you didn’t know how to cope. There’s no need to tighten your jaw or clench your fists every time the world reminds you of what you’ve done. Of your temporary desperation to be loved and needed and desired. There is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better about the choices you’ve made. Only you can decide the role these experiences should play in your life. Its okay,you didn’t know,you had to learn somehow. Is it really worth it? To torture yourself over lost pride. Should we punish ourselves for the fact that we continued to show love and kindness. Was this a sign of weakness? Should we beat ourselves up knowing that when the other reclaimed their love,we took ours back too? You don’t have to be superhuman at all my love, you didn’t know everything, but its okay. Nobody could have taught you what you have learned and in that way it was the most valuable lesson of all. Some people would not have made the same mistake you did,some people would have known better,but you didn’t and its alright. You can stop punishing yourself now. Never again will you grant someone that kind of power over you. Never will you give anyone the permission to break you. When people choose to leave your life you will know that you are still you,no less. You will know that your beauty and your magnificence and your silliness is worth much more. Should you feel angry that your tears and pain have caused improvements you deserved? You should feel proud. Proud to have selflessly poured your love and energy into the world. With you and your love make the world a better place. Forgive yourself my darling.
And when its 3am and you find yourself in a world of complete despair,please,do not turn to strangers on the internet for solace as i did,instead climb into my bed and I’ll hold you until the demons lay. If it’s Thursday morning and you are to sad to move i won’t force you,I’ll buy you ice cream, and we’ll watch your favorite tv shows,and I’ll remind you of your importance, if you feel you have no purpose i will remind you that you were created entirely with love and every pain you feel, i feel too. When your sure you can’t go on anymore i will tell you that when i was 16 i searched for peace at the bottom of a vodka bottle chased by a bottle of pain killer’s. But a couple of years later,when you were placed in my arms in the delivery room i realized that you were why i had been holding in. Without realizing it, you saved me,do you know how amazing that is? So if you ever feel like grabbing that vodka bottle,put it down,we’ll get in the car and i will drive until the sky turns magenta i will show you how the sun rises every morning to encourage you to rise too my love i refuse to be unaware of your sufferings..  i will hold and comfort you like my mother did.
Because Your mental and emotional health is my fist priority

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