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39pieces

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My greatest fear isn’t living an incomplete life, it’s not waking up and finding all my loved ones gone. Its not ultimate failure either. Its not promising forever and always, only to out own infinity.

My greatest fear is one day losing the version of me that loves you and never finding it, because there may come a day when you will not recognise me, you will look for in the depth of my own heart, in the expanse of my eyes and you will not find me. That is my greatest fear.

I know you think you’ll get through to me, but will you love me  when I wake up a hurricane, and I cannot be tamed, will you love me when I am a desert storm? When I am nothing but harsh winds and sand?

Will you love me when I refuse to love myself ?

I cannot trust myself to let you love me, you might cut yourself trying to arrange my 39 pieces. Because 1 day I could wake up and there could be 2 of me, and you know what they say 3’s a crowd, but because you love me you’ll try to bring in a 4rth but allow me to plead the 5th. This is our 6th trial of 7 judges. And I’m sorry, what you though was an infinity was just an 8 the fell over, our love lived it’s 9th life but you have to understand, this was never my in10tion.

There are fates far worse than death and this is one of them.

And sometimes I can feel the spaces between my bones vibrate, it’s like my body is breathing while I drown in the depth of emotion. Just because you’re able to find a pulse doesn’t mean there’s a soul.

 

 

But there is.

 

Yours Sincerely,

Lady P

(Tbc)

 

//excerpt from the book I’ll never write, 39 pieces//

#TheeLadyInk

 

 

 

Featured post

Beginning 

FAQ;  What made you start doing spoken word, who inspired you? 

Well, it was the year 2013, I was in high school, on a date I cannot remember, I was sick and stayed in bed. I had a friends poetry book and decided what better time than the present to read it. So I read it. There was a particular piece, I can’t remember the title or Tue exact words but anyway. I read her poetry and it sparked a fire within, this said fried is also the same person who introduced me to other spoken words poets, Jackie Hill, Janette(genetics) and so many other. 
This Hurricane of a human being, clumsily strolled into my life and turned it around. Changed so many things about how I saw life and gave me a while new appreciation for every breath I could possible take. Our friendship is made up of all the little moments life gave us, stolen glances and what not. She has always fascinated me, there’s this otherness embedded in her eyes that is captivating. She has the widest smile I’ve ever seen and I’m sure the stars can see it. I learnt to flaunt my weird because of her. 

These are the rare beings that walk into your life, set it on fire and teach you to walk barefoot on the sun.  If I could meet her again, in another life, I would…. In every life I would be given I would meet her, till the ends of the earth and all the other planets. 

Shots and Insecurities 

There’s a couple of reasons I never talk about my ex, reasons why I never sit and reminisce about what we had and how we had it. There are reasons It’s hard for me smile about the good days, to laugh about the jokes we had. It’s not because I’m spiteful or bitter or because I hate him. 

But because he did something to me that I didn’t know if I could recover. He didn’t just break my heart, he didn’t just lie or cheat.It’s not that I never loved him,because I did… 

But he left scars on my self esteem. Wounded my way of thinking and suddenly I couldn’t even look at myself the same. I saw myself in the mirror and saw someone who, in his words,  had to run more and eat less. And truth be told I stopped loving myself long before I stopped loving him. And by the time I walked way, I was broken and mangled. 

Yes we had beautiful moments, when we went to the places where the stars sleep, when he held my hand and walked through life with me, when the moon was our light through our darkest nights. 

But he painted over those memories, and suddenly when I kissed him I couldn’t taste his soul anymore, if I did, it tasted a lot like whiskey now, he was no longer my night on a stallion but a staggering drunk who took my heart out my chest and traded it in for a couple of shots. 

Lucid

I know what it’s like to call you mine. I know what it’s like to be loved by you. To have you hold my hand and not let go. To have you kiss my forehead and remind me I’m safe. To have you ran your hand through my hair and make me giddy. I know what it’s like to have you hold me like I’m your last breath, to have you so close I don’t know where you begin and I end. I know what it’s like to hear you whisper ‘I love you’. I know what it feels to have you wake me up with hugs and kisses, closer than whispering lips on deaf ears. It’s only in my dreams when you are mine and I am yours

-TheeLadyInk

Rainbow, Lightening & Break Of Dawn

And after haunting me. After weeks of sleepless nights. Tossing and turning. Setting my skin on fire, trying to scorch your name from my bones. 

You my MS, were my Midnight & Stardust. I was bound to you like the tide to the moon, you pulled me in so deep I was drowning. But now,  I can feel you slip away. There was a time, I would have given anything to have you and breathe your air.

But I can taste the air again, I can feel the sun on my skin. My Break of Dawn has set me free. And like Lightening tearing through the middle of the sky, He struck you from my thoughts and ripped you out of me. You were my storm and He is my Rainbow. I thought you were my dream come true,  but you were a nightmare which I am now awaking from. 

MS;  I Am Free Of You

High Fever

I felt her creep into my bed. Wrap her arms around me, whisper into my ears dreams of a land forbidden. She came in slowly, gently, like a lover coming home, not wanting to wake, but make me aware of her presence. 

She kissed my spine and I felt chills ran a marathon on it. She had this way with me, this grasp on me. Not pulling me, but luring me in, making me take my own steps towards her she gave my gut goose bumps. 

She, is darkness, not as a reference or an analogy. I mean She Is Darkness. So she creeps into my bed, wraps her arms around me. Whispers into my ears dreams of a land forbidden. 

She tells me death is like getting into a warm bed on a winter night and she doesn’t even have to convince me I’m alone, I can see it, I can feel it in my bone. It’s the end of they day, I’m alone in my bed my head buried in my pillow, my heart broken, my soul crushed, the wall watching tears roll down my face. I have no one to call, no one to text. 

Everyone says “I’m here for you” but when I finally have the courage to talk about it and I call they’re  busy  suddenly no one has the time and I’m sorry I couldn’t schedule my breakdown at your earliest convenience.  I’m sorry that I am broken and mangled.

But she rans her hand through my hair, she kisses my forehead, she makes me feel safe.  And this is one of those night, when I move over, and make room for her besides me. Because she’s the only company I’ve ever truly known 

Jump Ship

My first love, who was also my only love. 

I loved you, and I mean I loved you. I loved every part of you, even the parts that made me cringe. I loved you when you were at your best and I still loved you even at your very worst. I hate sweat, including my own, but somehow,  even when you were drenched in it, I would still hold on to you and love you some more. 

I learnt that love isn’t easy. There are hard days when no one wants to love but be loved. When we’ve ran out of affection to give. All the highs and lows taught me,  you don’t jump ship when there’s a little water on board. You try to save it. 

Love is like energy, it is neither created nor destroyed.

-TheeLadyInk//

(//2014journal entry//)

You

I’m scared. I pushed you away because I’m scared. 

You’ve seen me smile and laugh. You’ve seen me just when I wake up. You’ve seen me without make up and my hair a mess. 

But you’ve never seen me cry, You’ve never seen me sad. 

You’ve never seen how my heart breaks and my soul crumbles in the middle of the night. You’ve never seen me toss and turn, fighting with insomnia to leave. 

You’ve never seen the ghosts that haunt me. You haven’t seen my scars. You haven’t heard my silence. I’m sacred to lose you because I’m broken. 

I’m scared to watch you walk away because I’m weak I’m scared to show you my colors, because you might want to repaint me. 

But you make me smile. You make me laugh, you make my heart beat better and air taste sweeter 

Moonlight and Tears

Everyone has secrets. Things they say or do that no one knows. Thoughts they keep hidden away behind barriers and high walls. 

My secret is the love affair between the moon and my tears. I now know how the tide feels, being pulled, being drawn by forces greater than your own. The moon has this hold over me. I draws me to it, pulls me out of bed, wraps it’s luminous light around me and I’m home. 

The moon knows the conversations my heart has with my mind, it knows the longing of my soul. The moon has this way with me, convincing me that sleep is for weak, so I stay awake, it’s the middle of the night and I’m counting stars, watching the spaces between them. Everyone is asleep, the world is still, that’s when the moon speaks and listens. She counts my tears, makes wishes on them and tells me shooting stars are her tears and the darker the night gets, the brighter she shines. 

Midnight Sunshine 

There are nights like these, that feel like the middle of the afternoon. I can feel the sun on my skin and the wind gently blow through my hair.  It’s 1and but it feels like it’s 12hours earlier and darkness hasn’t yet dawned on me. I can still see clouds form shapes, I see a bunny, I see a spaceship. It doesn’t feel like the middle of the night, it feels like the day has just begun. 

And I wanna dance. I wanna take my shoes and have only my socks on, I want to see the dust rise and settle around me. I want the birds to chirp and the trees to sway. Oh, how I want to feel the sun kiss my skin and warm my bones. 

It’s 1 am and the world is still, almost unreal. I can hear the stars burn fiercely, and the moon glow selflessly.

As the sun shines in the middle of the night, I am lost. One thing I’ve always known is I have myself. But on this particular night, in this particular moment, I stared silently at the moon and the stars. I stood and felt the cold freeze my skin. I couldn’t even talk to myself. I couldn’t tell myself how sad I felt, how suffocated I felt, how unlike me I felt. So how, pry tell, would I tell anyone else if I can’t tell myself? How will they understand if I myself I’m baffled? If I can’t even bring myself to talk tonmueelf, how will I talk to another human being?

On this particular night, I cease to be. I cease to be human. On this night, I couldn’t even trust myself. So I felt my heart break and couldn’t do thing, I could hear the sharp cry trying to escape and I couldn’t comfort myself. This night is different. This night has a sun shining, that no one but me seems to see
-Random Rumbling

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