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39pieces

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My greatest fear isn’t living an incomplete life, it’s not waking up and finding all my loved ones gone. Its not ultimate failure either. Its not promising forever and always, only to out own infinity.

My greatest fear is one day losing the version of me that loves you and never finding it, because there may come a day when you will not recognise me, you will look for in the depth of my own heart, in the expanse of my eyes and you will not find me. That is my greatest fear.

I know you think you’ll get through to me, but will you love me  when I wake up a hurricane, and I cannot be tamed, will you love me when I am a desert storm? When I am nothing but harsh winds and sand?

Will you love me when I refuse to love myself ?

I cannot trust myself to let you love me, you might cut yourself trying to arrange my 39 pieces. Because 1 day I could wake up and there could be 2 of me, and you know what they say 3’s a crowd, but because you love me you’ll try to bring in a 4rth but allow me to plead the 5th. This is our 6th trial of 7 judges. And I’m sorry, what you though was an infinity was just an 8 the fell over, our love lived it’s 9th life but you have to understand, this was never my in10tion.

There are fates far worse than death and this is one of them.

And sometimes I can feel the spaces between my bones vibrate, it’s like my body is breathing while I drown in the depth of emotion. Just because you’re able to find a pulse doesn’t mean there’s a soul.

 

 

But there is.

 

Yours Sincerely,

Lady P

(Tbc)

 

//excerpt from the book I’ll never write, 39 pieces//

#TheeLadyInk

 

 

 

Featured post

Remnants

And this, is how I heal. I tear myself apart, piece by piece. I peel my skin and shed my flesh. For a moment, I am not me, I become a blend of tears and blood. I cry still my eyes start to burn, till my heart is exhausted and beats so slow, it almost stops.

And in that brief flatline moment I feel nothing. I get the rare chance to feel nothing. Every heart break seems distant. All my wounds stop to ache and I am free. In that moment I see the chains at my feet. The shekels fall loose. And happiness unveils herself to me. And its in these moments that when you ask how I am, say “I’m fine” and it feels real. My sole survival is based on these moments

But then as briefly as it came, it leaves, and I am still chained and bound. My heart still aching, my mind trying to escape. And everything shatters. My world ceases to exist, and If you’re there, I can’t see you through the tears in my eyes, I can’t hear you over the sound of my heart breaking. I can’t feel your touch over the doubt that covers my skin.

Its nights like these, when I’m laying on the floor. Wondering, would the world miss me? If I wore my shoes, grabbed my coat and walked away. If I cut my hair, changed my name, if I gave up on being me. If left this life and created another. If I put my memories in box marked “do not recycle” would I then I find peace? If I left without nothing but the clothes on my back because everything I own reminds me of the life I’m trying to leave behind. If I bought a one way ticket to the desert, or some far off place where no one knows me.


The remnants of my heart can’t be pieced together, so I’ll gather what’s left, take it to place, where even though it’s not whole, it will feel complete

Inbetween

We don’t have forever. All we have is the time between Hello and Goodbye

And when the time comes,either through death or circumstance, when we cannot be together.

Don’t remember me being alone

Don’t remember the walls I built around myself

Don’t remember me broken

Don’t remember my grief

Don’t remember me scared and vulnerable

Don’t remember my scars

Don’t remember me weak

Don’t remember my tears

But rather, remember me for one thing, and this thing only.

Remember me, for how I lived

How I Laughed

and how I Loved,

with my heart on my sleeve and stardust in my eyes.

#TheeLadyInk

Soul Scars

Sometimes I can feel the echo of your hands on my skin. Your breath on my neck. I remember that look in your eyes when you looked at me. I spend nights trying to forget it, days trying not to see it in others. I toss and turn trying to remember to forget how you pulled me in like you own me. 
But you didn’t. You grabbed me, pressed yourself between me like tears in a book. My cries, kicks and screams felt heavy within me, but seemed to slip from my mouth into yours without being heard. You literally swallowed my cries.I couldn’t breathe and you didn’t care. You broke me and didn’t care. You ran into my secret garden with your muddy boots and left a wreck. I cried as hard as I could, but you were set in stone, led me to believe desires of flesh can’t be helped, even if it meant helping yourself to a 13year old. 

In just 30 seconds you tore apart an entire human being, took a wrecking ball to my whole life. Pinned to ground, hopping it would swallow me. But against my will, something I was told was beautiful union, became a nightmare. So most times Its not an echo anymore but it’s the voice, being screamed through a mega phone. 

And you, you took everything from me, you made the home of life within me a graveyard, plucked the seed you planted like it was a weed. You left scars on my soul, and they don’t make band aids for that. 

And it’s the wounds without scars that never heal. 

-TheeLadyInk

Beginning 

FAQ;  What made you start doing spoken word, who inspired you? 

Well, it was the year 2013, I was in high school, on a date I cannot remember, I was sick and stayed in bed. I had a friends poetry book and decided what better time than the present to read it. So I read it. There was a particular piece, I can’t remember the title or Tue exact words but anyway. I read her poetry and it sparked a fire within, this said fried is also the same person who introduced me to other spoken words poets, Jackie Hill, Janette(genetics) and so many other. 
This Hurricane of a human being, clumsily strolled into my life and turned it around. Changed so many things about how I saw life and gave me a while new appreciation for every breath I could possible take. Our friendship is made up of all the little moments life gave us, stolen glances and what not. She has always fascinated me, there’s this otherness embedded in her eyes that is captivating. She has the widest smile I’ve ever seen and I’m sure the stars can see it. I learnt to flaunt my weird because of her. 

These are the rare beings that walk into your life, set it on fire and teach you to walk barefoot on the sun.  If I could meet her again, in another life, I would…. In every life I would be given I would meet her, till the ends of the earth and all the other planets. 

Shots and Insecurities 

There’s a couple of reasons I never talk about my ex, reasons why I never sit and reminisce about what we had and how we had it. There are reasons It’s hard for me smile about the good days, to laugh about the jokes we had. It’s not because I’m spiteful or bitter or because I hate him. 

But because he did something to me that I didn’t know if I could recover. He didn’t just break my heart, he didn’t just lie or cheat.It’s not that I never loved him,because I did… 

But he left scars on my self esteem. Wounded my way of thinking and suddenly I couldn’t even look at myself the same. I saw myself in the mirror and saw someone who, in his words,  had to run more and eat less. And truth be told I stopped loving myself long before I stopped loving him. And by the time I walked way, I was broken and mangled. 

Yes we had beautiful moments, when we went to the places where the stars sleep, when he held my hand and walked through life with me, when the moon was our light through our darkest nights. 

But he painted over those memories, and suddenly when I kissed him I couldn’t taste his soul anymore, if I did, it tasted a lot like whiskey now, he was no longer my night on a stallion but a staggering drunk who took my heart out my chest and traded it in for a couple of shots. 

Lucid

I know what it’s like to call you mine. I know what it’s like to be loved by you. To have you hold my hand and not let go. To have you kiss my forehead and remind me I’m safe. To have you ran your hand through my hair and make me giddy. I know what it’s like to have you hold me like I’m your last breath, to have you so close I don’t know where you begin and I end. I know what it’s like to hear you whisper ‘I love you’. I know what it feels to have you wake me up with hugs and kisses, closer than whispering lips on deaf ears. It’s only in my dreams when you are mine and I am yours

-TheeLadyInk

Rainbow, Lightening & Break Of Dawn

And after haunting me. After weeks of sleepless nights. Tossing and turning. Setting my skin on fire, trying to scorch your name from my bones. 

You my MS, were my Midnight & Stardust. I was bound to you like the tide to the moon, you pulled me in so deep I was drowning. But now,  I can feel you slip away. There was a time, I would have given anything to have you and breathe your air.

But I can taste the air again, I can feel the sun on my skin. My Break of Dawn has set me free. And like Lightening tearing through the middle of the sky, He struck you from my thoughts and ripped you out of me. You were my storm and He is my Rainbow. I thought you were my dream come true,  but you were a nightmare which I am now awaking from. 

MS;  I Am Free Of You

High Fever

I felt her creep into my bed. Wrap her arms around me, whisper into my ears dreams of a land forbidden. She came in slowly, gently, like a lover coming home, not wanting to wake, but make me aware of her presence.

She kissed my spine and I felt chills ran a marathon on it. She had this way with me, this grasp on me. Not pulling me, but luring me in, making me take my own steps towards her she gave my gut goose bumps.

She, is darkness, not as a reference or an analogy. I mean She Is Darkness. So she creeps into my bed, wraps her arms around me. Whispers into my ears dreams of a land forbidden.

She tells me death is like getting into a warm bed on a winter night and she doesn’t even have to convince me I’m alone, I can see it, I can feel it in my bone. It’s the end of they day, I’m alone in my bed my head buried in my pillow, my heart broken, my soul crushed, the wall watching tears roll down my face. I have no one to call, no one to text.

Everyone says “I’m here for you” but when I finally have the courage to talk about it and I call they’re busy suddenly no one has the time and I’m sorry I couldn’t schedule my breakdown at your earliest convenience. I’m sorry that I am broken and mangled.

But she rans her hand through my hair, she kisses my forehead, she makes me feel safe. And this is one of those night, when I move over, and make room for her besides me. Because she’s the only company I’ve ever truly known

Jump Ship

My first love, who was also my only love. 

I loved you, and I mean I loved you. I loved every part of you, even the parts that made me cringe. I loved you when you were at your best and I still loved you even at your very worst. I hate sweat, including my own, but somehow,  even when you were drenched in it, I would still hold on to you and love you some more. 

I learnt that love isn’t easy. There are hard days when no one wants to love but be loved. When we’ve ran out of affection to give. All the highs and lows taught me,  you don’t jump ship when there’s a little water on board. You try to save it. 

Love is like energy, it is neither created nor destroyed.

-TheeLadyInk//

(//2014journal entry//)

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